Tea Party for Four and a Half
by deaf
Summary: Pointless one shot. Testing my new obsession.


Disclaimer: I do not own Deadpool/Wade Wilson and Weasel or any other Marvel related characters. I am not making any money from this one-shot, Tea Party for Four…and a Half.

Author's note:. I have to admit I haven't really read a Deadpool/Cable & Deadpool comic. I actually came across Deadpool while playing Marvel: Ultimate Alliance and grew attached. However, if you do know him, you will notice that he may either be a tad bit out of character or completely out of character. I did my best with what I got from the video game, the brief comic strips I managed to get my hands on, and of course, Wikipedia. I would appreciate some input into his character should you have to time to provide it. Criticism is welcomed (not that I have a choice) so long as it comes with a cup of tea and/or a box of chocolates

Well, now that this long-winded author's note/disclaimer is over…

* * *

Tea Party for Four…and a Half.

"Would you like some tea, Mr. Weasel?"

Weasel barely looked up from his laptop peering over his glasses. "No. And I've told you before, you shouldn't be here."

"Are you sure you don't want tea?" She asked with a smirk. She knew that her presence annoyed him.

He merely grunted and disappeared to his room along with his laptop-back to cracking codes, breaching firewalls, and infiltrating government files like most geeky be-spectacled nerds like himself.

RagDoll had finally prepared the tea set for her little tea party of five. She happily poured tea and offered sugar to her friend-embodied-plushies. Captain Claw, a stitched and torn teddy bear with an eye-patch sat to her right, while Regina, a demonic looking rabbit plushy with a set of fangs instead of the usual buck teeth, sat to her left. Adjacent to Regina, sat Lily – a poised pale delicate cracked China doll missing an eye and next to her was an empty seat.

Captain Claw covertly sprinkled some powdery substance into Regina's tea, whilst the hostess and the open-minded Lily debated over issues concerning philosophical matters.

"Milk," RagDoll began as she poured some into Lily's tea, "represents the nurturing society needs."

Lily took a sip and looked on with her one eye, waiting for her to continue, biding her time to create a counterargument, waiting for an opening.

"And by nurturing, I mean obliterating all things fluffy and cute."

This was it.

"Then everyone who thinks that all things fluffy and cute must be obliterated should be obliterated."

"That is irrelevant. We're talking about milk's philosophical significance on this earth not the people who inhabit it."

"It is a white liquid substance derived from cows."

Lily's summarily delivered counterarguments were always difficult to challenge, but, as always, RagDoll slumped back in her seat to cool off and collect herself. It was baffling as to why she always grew angry in a debate – particularly with Lily. Meanwhile, Regina suddenly began to gag and choke on her tea, but the heated debate on milk and society continued and raged on.

Just then the door slammed open.

Deadpool was home from work.

The party of four paused then resumed their activities…Captain Claw pointing and laughing as Regina continued to stain her fur with tea and Lily on the war path on the rest of life's philosophical matters driving her diatribe through RagDoll…who was not listening.

"You're home early." This crude attempt to calm the unpredictable mercenary always worked. "What gives?"

"PICKLES!"

"I thought so," she murmured in an exasperated sigh.

"My client hired me to take out this pizza guy and when I did, I ate the pizza he was delivering, but then my client came up behind me to make sure I did my job, I freaked out and shot him. Now I can't get paid!" Frustrated, he took out his katana and thrust it towards the ceiling. "Curse you author! Not only am I not paid, I'm not employed, haven't got a decent client since issue whatever, got blood all over my pizza, but now I have a pint-sized-hero-girl-wannabe penning my life and she can't even draw me! She hasn't even read an issue of my life!" The rest of his rambling was of miniscule matters that he somehow managed to blame and deem responsible for the death of his client.

"Are you done?"

"NO PICKLES!"

RagDoll had been patient and now that the simple questions were over the crimson idiot could now join her. The constant bickering amongst the dolls and plushies were beginning to aggravate her. She needed the closest thing to the voice of reason to just converse with for even just a few moments.

"Well, now that you're done, would you care to join us? We left a seat for you."

"Depends. Can the yellow boxes come too?"

"Whatever."

"Yesssssssssssssssssssssss…"

And with that, Deadpool took a seat. _"I love my yellow boxes…"_ Or at least tried to. In an effort to act as gentlemanly as possible, he hugged his knees so as to not to disrupt the Playskool table that was a few years smaller than him. _"You think if the Olsen twins wore miniskirts and sat like this I'd see their boxers?"_ This tea set was made for a child but was owned by a child with an adult-like mind who was sharing it with an adult who had lost his. _"COOKIES!"_

Suddenly, cotton stuffing, fluff, and string flew about RagDoll. A resonant ringing in her ears, the smell of something burning, and a tea soggy eye patch told her everything she needed to know.

Captain Claw was gone. At least his head was.

Deadpool, caught with a smoking gun, quickly began to explain himself.

"He was poisoning my tea!"


End file.
